


hell was the journey

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Multi-Chapter Fics [9]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Mentions of Cancer, Other, Suicide Attempt, parental neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25536898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: At five years old, Howard Han's life changed, his hand held tightly in his mother's as she excitedly tells him all about their new life in a new country, as she promises him everything is going to be different. It's easy to believe her, because everything is perfect... until it isn't.At six years old, Madeline Buckley holds her baby brother in her arms for the first time and she promises him that his life is going to be different, knowing that neither of them have to be lonely ever again..The moments that led to Chimney and Maddie holding their daughter in their arms for the first time, finally realising that they would do it all again if it meant it was the only way to hold that tiny piece of heaven in their arms.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Multi-Chapter Fics [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815556
Comments: 25
Kudos: 39





	1. The Early Years

Howard Han was five years old when his life completely changes, small hand tightly holding onto his mother’s as wide eyes look around their new apartment. He misses home, he misses his friends and his school but when he looks up at the wide smile on his mother’s face, he knows they could be happy there.

As long as he has her, he knows everything is going to be okay. The woman is his entire world and watching her in Los Angeles, her smile always wide with childlike wonder, amazement on her face as they walk around the new streets, explore different places and they try different foods. She immerses herself in their new lives, promises him that things are going to be so much better now that his father is successful, that America is going to bring them so much happiness.

It’s a lot to put on their new home for two years but that first year is the happiest year of his life. His father is busy, mostly too busy to be home but when he is, for the first time in Howard’s short life, he’s present. The young boy watches with hope when the older man walks in and presses his lips to his mother’s every day, he laps up every ounce of attention that the man throws his way and joins in with every piece of laughter he possibly can. Because even at five, he knows it won’t last.

And it doesn’t but he still clings to that first year in America with every piece of him, still convinces himself that they can get back there. That his father will come home smiling, that he’ll wrap his arms around the woman’s waist as she cooks once more and tell her that he loves her. He watches longingly at the rare days the man walks through the door, hoping he’ll ruffle his hair and ask him how his day at school was, just like he used to. But it never happens and by the time he turns six, he realises that maybe their new home wasn’t the magical place his mother had promised it would be.

.

Madeline Buckley was six years old when her life completely changes, staring down at the tiny baby boy in her arms as she grins down at him. She’s completely enthralled from the moment her dad places the baby on her lap, still trying to process how the large bump she had been obsessing over for the last few months had turned into a real-life baby. Her baby brother.

She hates going to school, spending most of her day wondering if the baby she had to leave behind at home was okay. And she practically runs off the school bus the moment it pulls up outside her house, happily taking her baby brother from his crib as she promises him that she’ll love him.

She’s six but she’s wise beyond her years, forced to grow up too quickly by parents who she quickly realised just weren’t that interested in being parents. They don’t hit her, they barely raise their voice and even at such a young age, she wonders if that’s because they simply don’t care enough. Her best friend Lucy’s mom shouts at her all the time for forgetting her coat when it’s cold out or for spilling water over her dress. Maddie isn’t sure she can remember a time when either of her parents shouted at her with a smile on their faces and a roll of their eyes but every single time Lucy’s mom does it, and then kisses her daughter on the cheek, she can’t shake the jealousy.

Even at her age she looks down at her little brother and promises him she will shout at him when he forgets his coat because no one else is going to do it for him. She promises him she will never be too busy for him because she knows he’s going to hear those words a thousand times from their parents. They were important people, lots of people relied on the Buckley’s and Maddie wasn’t one of them in their eyes. She wanted for nothing – she had a roof over her head, all the food she could possibly want, the very best toys and clothes any girl could ask for and she knew, if she asked for anything of any monetary value, she’d get it. That was love in the Buckley household.

She just wishes that maybe she could have had an older sibling to give her the kind of love she really craves. But at least she can make sure her brother doesn’t have to wonder quite as much as she does.

.

By the time Howard is eleven, he’s almost forgotten what true happiness feels like. What was meant to be two years in Los Angeles had turned into six and all he’s been listening to for the past few months is the sound of his parents screaming at each other. His childhood has been laced with constant arguments, comforting his ma as she cries herself to sleep again and again.

He longs more than anything to see her smile, to have her practically dragging him around the city just as she had done when he was five, excitedly telling him about everything she had learned about the place they would call home. Now, he can barely remember the sparkle in her eyes and the way her cheeks flushed when she enthusiastically pulled her all too eager son from museum to museum and park to park.

Mr and Mrs Lee’s house offer him a safe haven away from the fighting and the crying, and sometimes, his ma almost seems happy there. She laughs and she smiles as he plays with Kevin and it seems, in those fleeting moments, that maybe everything is going to be okay.

The day his father walks out the door, suitcase in hand without even saying goodbye to him, the door slamming behind him as he goes and at eleven, Howard has no idea that it’s the last time he’ll ever see the man in person but he feels overwhelming relief when the woman wraps both her arms tight around him and promises him that everything is going to be okay. When Mr and Mrs Lee bring Kevin around barely an hour later, they celebrate and he realises the sparkle in her eyes is back and her smile is wider than it has been in years.

They’re free.

Free from the waiting for him to come home when he never did. Free from not knowing whether they were going to get the silent treatment or an argument that night. Free from the constant look of disappointment when he brings yet another report card or assignment home that doesn’t quite meet the ‘Han expectations’.

The young boy forgets for a moment when his smiling, slightly drunk mother twirls him around as they dance around their living room, her laughter sounding through their apartment before she’s taking his face in her hands and promising him he is everything she ever wanted in a son and so much more.

For a while, everything is perfect until suddenly, it’s not.

.

Ten year old Maddie can’t stop the way her bottom lip trembles, her nails digging into her arm as she tries to force them back. Evan gently tugs on her dress, forcing her to look down at the toddler before she forces a smile on her face remembering every single promise she had ever made him.

Their parents had promised and she wishes she knew better, she wishes she hadn’t gotten her hopes up once more because there she was, disappointed and looking down into the big eyes of her baby brother as he asks her why she’s so upset. She wishes she had an answer for him beyond the truth – that their parents were just too caught up in themselves and their own lives to even notice the fact they had two children who wanted them.

Some people just weren’t meant to be parents, she remembers a Nanny telling her that once. One of many who never came back the next day with no explanation from either of her parents before another one walked through the door. Instead, she tells her brother that she’s just so happy he was there to see her performance, peeking out behind the curtain once more only to see the empty ‘reserved’ seats.

The apology comes in the same form it always does – a card filled with a hundred dollars, more money than any ten year old could possibly know what to do with but there’s half-guilty smiles on their faces and she tells them it’s okay, even when it’s not because she knows that makes them feel better. It doesn’t stop her from popping the money in the box she keeps under her bed, just in case she ever does get the courage to take her brother and run as far away from them as she possibly can.

Because she knows they both deserve so much better than two absent parents who’s only solution to every problem is to throw money at them. Or to tell them that there are people in this world who actually need help, that neither she or Evan have any right to cry because they have everything that so many people they fight for in court doesn’t have and probably never will have.

It’s easy to forget everything when her little brother wraps his chubby arms around her at night and she kisses the top of his head, promising him that everything is going to be okay. That whatever he chooses to do, sports or musical theatre or band, _anything_ , she won’t miss a single performance even when she knows their parents will. At least, she thinks, they gave her the first love of her life in the form of the little boy she would do anything for. Even if they couldn’t love _them_ , at least the two Buckley siblings had each other and she wasn’t so lonely anymore.


	2. The Teenage Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few trigger warnings for this chapter, I'll be sure to put these at the beginning of each chapter as it'll differ!  
> No descriptions are graphic.  
> Mentions of cancer.  
> Mentions of a suicide attempt.  
> Mentions of an eating disorder. 
> 
> .... on the bright side, there will be a happy ending eventually?!

It’s hard to admit, especially at twelve, but the happiness never seems to last long. It’s something he’ll carry with him for years after. Every single time he thinks he’s going to be happy, something comes out of nowhere to throw him back into the abyss. Sitting in a room with no one but a doctor and his mother, her hand holding tightly onto his as tears stream down her face, is the single worst moment of his young life.

Her English is good, improving every day but he still has to explain a lot to her, and he sees the guilt in her eyes as her son explains to her that she has breast cancer that has spread. He talks her through the leaflets the doctor gave them once they get home, he doesn’t cry, he just keeps holding onto her hand as tightly as he possibly can. He thinks, in that moment, he would be able to handle his dad walking out on them a thousand times over rather than this. Anything but this.

Howie’s early teenage years are a mixture of hospital appointments, refusing help from anyone who asks because he can look after his own mom. He doesn’t need help, even if he barely attends school, rarely ever leaving his mother’s side because she _needs_ him more than he needs to learn about Algebra or reading The Great Gatsby. She’s more important, and that’s exactly what he tells the principal every single time he pulls them both into his office, wasting her time and energy.

The anger remains hidden, buried deep inside of him as he focuses all his attention on the woman he loves more than anything. He’s all she has in the world and he feels that pressure to be the perfect son every single day. He does it though, he plays the piano when she asks him to, he watches her favourite movies with her, plaits her hair and tries to ignore the way he wants to burst into tears when it comes out in clumps. He helps her bathe, feeds her, sings her to sleep, and indulges her in talking about his future.

Really, Howie can’t imagine a future without her in it.

He still forces a smile when, at fourteen, she talks about his future wife, how many kids he’s going to have, what kind of job he will have. Helping people, she tells him, she can see him helping so many people because he has a kind heart. He doesn’t feel that way though, at times his heart weighs heavy in his chest, filled with anger and hatred mostly aimed towards the man who had left them, towards the world, to cancer for trying to take _his_ mom from him. He hates everyone and everything apart from her, so, his heart definitely doesn’t feel kind.

It doesn’t matter how hard he prays, how much he begs, how many times he tells the doctors to try anything and everything they possibly can. It’s too late. She fights, she fights so hard for nearly three years of her life to stay with him. She fights until she simply can’t anymore and he’s holding her hand tightly in his, wishing for a miracle.

It never comes.

.

Maddie is thirteen by the time she completely gives up on seeking her parent’s approval (she knows she won’t get it anyway). Life almost feels good when she does, even though she can still feel the burning desire for them to be proud of her. She quits ballet, stops playing the piano, dyes her hair blonde and joins the cheerleading squad. When she looks back on it, she knows that every single decision she ever made at the age of thirteen was driven by a need to get their attention.

And it worked.

When she walks into the house in her squad uniform, her hair dyed a terrible bleach blonde and a rather satisfied smirk on her face when her brother’s eyes go wide as his jaw drops. The argument that ensues is the closest thing to alive she’s ever felt, both her parents actually _looking_ at her, screaming at her in a way she’s never experienced before.

Maddie can tell by the look on her little brothers face later that evening, when he walks into her bedroom (sneaks, because he still wants his parents to be proud of him, even if she’s stopped caring), that he expects her to find her crying. Instead, she’s sitting there with a smile on her face and a shrug of her shoulders. The eight year old only looks as though he’s going to be sick, his nose scrunching up with confusion when his sister promises him he’ll understand one day. She’ll bear witness to his own act of rebellion in a few years and revel in each second of it as much as she does her own.

.

Howie feels like an orphan at fifteen when he walks into the Lees house. He remembers how he had made a promise to his mom that he wouldn’t return to Korea, he wouldn’t move back in with his dad and let him destroy him. Right then, he feels like breaking it, feeling more and more like a stranger every single day, imposing himself on his mom’s best friend and her husband, pretending as though he’s some sort of big brother to their son.

He tries so hard to pretend to be someone he isn’t – he goes to school, scrapes by on average grades, forces a smile when Kevin runs into (his room) the guest bedroom, excited to show him something or tell him all about his day at school. He has a feeling Kevin enjoys being a little brother a lot more than he enjoys being a big one. But he _tries,_ more than aware that his entire life feels as though he has been forcing himself to be someone he isn’t. Trying to force down the darkness he feels rising inside of him increasingly every single day as he practically chews an entire pack of gum and sprays himself with far too much deodorant to cover the smell of smoke and alcohol every night at sixteen.

It spills over a few weeks before his seventeen birthday, on the two year anniversary of his mom’s death. The news his dad has remarried just adds to what had already been a difficult day – the news only made worse by the fact he had remarried _months_ before and hadn’t thought to tell him or even invite him.

Howie doesn’t think he means to do it or maybe it’s just the immediate regret that follows when he swallows the last of his prescribed anti-depressants and the bottle of whiskey Mr Lee had been saving for a ‘special occasion’. Waking up a few days later to Mrs Lee holding his hand as she sobs, and Mr Lee looking haunted, his face pale and his eyes red before he presses a hand to Howie’s forehead gently and makes him promise never to try that again. The words that fall from his lips fall on deaf ears, the two adults shaking their heads as he tries to convince them it was an accident. They don’t believe him, he doesn’t blame them, he wouldn’t either.

At least, when he turns seventeen, he thinks that’ll be the defining moment in his life. That’ll he’ll try harder to live more, to be better, to do better. It still doesn’t stop the burning hatred inside of him, or how hopeless he feels.

.

Maddie is fifteen the first time she wakes up in a hospital bed, the site of her terrified looking brother and two disappointed parents almost causing her to burst into tears before she can remember what got her there in the first place.

She listens to how her mother blames herself, tears in her eyes, claiming her own perfectionism must have rubbed off on her before she begs Maddie to end her ‘silly game’. Her dad only looks angry, claiming that eating is the most simple thing in the world, that she needs to stop wasting their time because there are people in the world with real problems and not issues they’ve brought upon themselves. He scoffs when the doctor diagnoses her with an eating disorder, and Maddie thinks she’ll always remember that look on his face – he looks disgusted.

He doesn’t stop reminding her of the hospital bill that follows.

It serves as an even bigger wall between her and her parents but somehow brings her even closer to her brother. Evan is the one there, holding her hand, snuggling up to her at night. He’s only ten and Maddie can’t seem to get past the pure admiration she holds in her heart for him, at just how kind he is, how big his heart is, how he seems to have more capacity to understand and love than her parents and her combined. She eats for him, when he looks at her with big eyes, his bottom lip trembling.

Every single time her dad brings up money, his face red and his eyes wide, chucking the latest psychiatrist bills at her mom, she can’t help but feel some form of satisfaction. She’d spent her entire childhood being taught that there isn’t a single problem money can’t solve, but when she’s not really much better a year later, it seems as though all the money in the world can’t heal what’s inside of her. When he asks her where he and her mother went wrong and she only smirks in response, the sound of his hand slamming down on the table is something she still feels vibrating through her years later.

Well, she had their attention, she supposes.

Evan is the only person in the world who can keep her grounded, when his arms are wrapped around her she feels as though she can do anything. He’s the only reason she finally starts responding honestly in therapy, the only reason she really does try to get better. But she also knows she has to be selfish, too and do the one thing she had always promised him she wouldn’t.

It hurts when she announces she’s going to be moving out for college and Evan bursts into tears, her mother looks concerned, but her dad looks… relieved. If she’s out of the house, she supposes she’s not really his problem anymore. Still, she hopes the twelve year old can understand if she stays in the house for the next four years of her life, she doesn’t think she’s going to survive it. It’s suffocating, being in the house with their parents is _killing_ her, so she admits she can’t do it anymore.

And suddenly, the moment the weight is lifted from her shoulders and she’s stepping foot into her college dorm barely an hour down the road from them, she feels as though she can breathe again.


	3. Their Twenties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of non graphic descriptions of domestic violence, a suicide attempt, briefly Kevin's death (as in canon).

Maddie has been free of her parents for a year by the time she falls in love with a man with beautiful dark eyes and a dazzling smile that takes her breath away. She’s never been one to open her heart to another person with such intensity but she falls for the budding surgeon quickly and without any warning. Which is probably why she doesn’t realise, or care, when her entire world becomes consumed by everything that is Doug Kendall. When he asks her to move in with him barely six months after they met, she sees nothing in abandoning her roommate with little notice. She’s in love with someone who doesn’t see her as a disappointment, and to her, after just twenty years on the planet, decides that’s enough for her. 

Her parents loathe him and that brings her more pleasure than it should, even more so when her mother pulls her to the side and tells her she’s making a mistake. Maddie’s heart swells with pride when she realises she’s no longer seeking their attention or their approval because she’s found exactly what she’s always been looking for in the arms of a man who treats her as though she is the only thing in the world that he needs. 

She doesn’t realise until she’s staring down at the guest list for her wedding, a few years later, that she doesn’t have anyone apart from her parents and her brother to even invite. She’d graduated college only a few months previously and it hits her, for the first time, just how isolated she is. Maddie frowns as she stares down at the long list of names Doug has written down, mostly colleagues and people he wants to impress; not a single family member and then at the pathetic three names she has on her side. Three people she isn’t even sure will want to come anyway, considering how they’d reacted when she had announced that Doug had asked her to marry him. 

As quickly as the thought hits her, she shakes it off - she doesn’t  _ need _ a long list of friends. She has a job that she loves and she’s marrying the man of her dreams - what more could she ask for?

. 

College is what everyone expects of him, although he doesn’t know why because he’d graduated high school by the skin of his teeth. He supposes it’s just what people are meant to do but instead, he finds a job at a grocery store and tells Mr and Mrs Lee that it’s just for a year, he needs just some time. After his failed suicide attempt the year before, he sees the understanding and the fear on their faces before they force smiles of their own and tell him that they understand.

A year passes and then another, moving from one job to the other whilst the only consistent thing in his life remains to be the Lee’s who had so kindly taken him in. It doesn’t stop the lingering guilt within him considering everything he’s put them through. He wasn’t their son, not really, they didn’t  _ have _ to stick around and a huge part of him wishes he could find the courage within himself to walk out of the home they have always so kindly welcomed him in. But Mrs Lee is his last connection to his mom, she tells him stories of how they had met and she smiles when she talks about the woman who he had loved so, so much more than words could ever truly do justice. And Mr Lee is the closest thing to a father figure he’s ever had in his life and Kevin… three years younger than him, for some reason, looks up to him and maybe that should be enough to make him leave. The Lee’s deserve better. 

A thousand apologies fall from his lips when, at twenty two years old, he finds himself waking up in a hospital room again with Kevin looking at him with a sadness in his eyes that he knows he’s caused. He begs them to believe him when he says it wasn’t on purpose this time, that he’d just… gotten drunk and thought it would be a good idea to go for a swim. They don’t believe him and he doesn’t blame them, he’s not sure he even believes himself. 

He promises himself he’ll change. That he will drink less, he will try harder to make his mom proud, he will try and give something back other than pain to the family who had given him unconditional love when he had felt most undeserving. 

God, he just… he just really wants his mom back. 

.

When she finds herself holding her cheek, still in her wedding dress, on the floor of their hotel room, Maddie wonders how she couldn’t have seen this coming. She had felt an unknowing fear settling in her chest, causing a dizzying pounding in her chest from the moment she had tapped her champagne glass against Doug’s with a laugh and, as though in slow motion, watched as the glass ever so slightly chipped. She’d seen the flash in his eyes and the tension on his face until it was replaced by the most forced laugh she had ever heard and an arm wrapping tightly around her. She needs to be more careful, he jokes (warns), these glasses are precious. 

It’s the first time he’s ever raised his hand to her and the guilt on his face is enough to make her believe it won’t happen again. The tears pour down both of their faces until he’s kissing her and promising her that he’ll be a better husband and… she gets lost in her haze of loving him, feeling herself melt into the gentle touch of his hand as it grazes along the bruising skin of her cheek. And it’s somehow all too easy to forget the fear she had felt in that moment, it’s easy to give him a thousand excuses in her head - the wedding planning had been stressful, the day had been long, the glasses had been a gift from his mother and they had meant the world to him now that she was gone, she should have been more careful, she should have done better. It was her fault. 

Doug promises her it won’t happen again. Until it does. And he promises her again before he tells her that if she just learned her lesson before, he wouldn’t  _ have _ to teach her. Maddie takes solace in the moments of happiness, trying to remind herself that she’s married now and that comes with arguments and he loves her. She sees it in the way he looks at her and how he adores showing her off, by the way he pops by the ER with some coffee and a cake, to make sure she doesn’t forget to eat something. No one has ever cared about her in the way he has. Her colleagues swoon over him, laughing and joking about how they’d love a surgeon of their own as handsome and as kind and as loving as Doug is. 

The worst of it comes after they’ve been married for four years, secluded in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. She’s lost in the touch of his hands and his lips grazing along her skin, the whispers words of adoration in her ear until smoke fills the cabin and she tries so hard to make light of it. Everyone makes mistakes, right? It just… happens. But she can see the embarrassment on his face and she knows what’s coming the moment the firefighters leave and she’s left alone with the man who should be able to laugh it off. 

He rests a hand on her thigh as they drive home a few days later, her head resting on the cool glass of the window as she closes her eyes to get away from the way the world has been spinning for the last three days. She’s almost entirely certain he’s broken a few of her ribs and she definitely can’t go back to work anytime soon because no amount of makeup is going to cover up the damage he’d done on what was meant to be a nice anniversary trip away. She doesn’t look at him as he talks but she moves her hand to rest on top of his, in the hopes it will placate him enough to give her a moment’s peace as they drive home. He tells her that she shouldn’t have laughed at him and the words die in her throat that maybe, if he’d been  _ normal _ they could have laughed about it together. 

She doesn't make that mistake again. 

.

Another day, another failure. It seems to be the most consistent part of his personality and he can’t help but wonder how right his dad truly is. The bank rejects another business proposal and he doesn’t know what else he’s meant to do. He’s lost and maybe life isn’t meant to be any better than it is right then - living with the Lees, working in a bar, drafting out various ideas in the hopes that one of them will take off. He’s twenty-seven and he’s never been in love, he’s never been loved and that stings more than any ounce of rejection truly can. 

It still hurts when he thinks he’s found something he truly loves after a few months and his father still doesn’t seem proud of him. And he wishes he knew why he cares so much; this is a man he hasn’t seen in person since he was twelve. A man who hadn’t even flown to LA for his mom’s funeral under the guise that he was busy. Too busy to be there for his son when he needed him the most. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does and he doesn’t even know what he’s seeking approval for anymore, when he knows he won’t ever get it. Not from him, anyway. 

Joining the 118 should have been the happiest moment of his life…  _ finally _ he had found something he wanted to do. Saving that woman’s life had given him more energy than he had ever found within himself in… well, in forever. The pieces of a puzzle he hadn’t even known existed had started to come together so perfectly and he just knew that this was his time to find a home. He was tired of grafting, of moving from one place to the other, where the only constant feeling was loss and the only consistent people were the people who had taken him into their home when he was fifteen and practically an orphan. It should have been the happiest moment and yet… it was the loneliest he had ever felt. 

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to him that his short-lived happiness in at least trying to find a version of himself that can just… settle is overcome with the biggest loss he’s felt in fourteen years. And just like that… everything changes. The family he had is gone, buried with Kevin and the guilt that pulsates through him every single day is like nothing he could ever describe out loud. Kevin deserved better than only twenty-six years in this world and the Lee’s - who had seen Howie survive two suicide attempts - deserved better than losing their son who had only ever wanted to live. 

The price he has to pay to finally feel as though he belongs somewhere is far higher than anything he would ever have been willing to pay, if he’d had the choice. But the 118 is the closest thing he has to a family, and he finds himself clinging to that and to them as tightly as he can because he has nowhere else to go and no one else. At twenty nine, he stands in his apartment alone, for the first time in his life, and he wonders if this is how life is always going to be. Him, trying to piece together a family, only t be met with the stinging hand of rejection and loneliness each and every time.


	4. The Thirties (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of fight or flight as canon and suicidal thoughts

Life goes on when someone dies, as much as it feels like it shouldn’t when it happens. He’s had to try and pull himself together twice - after his mother and then the person he considered to be a brother. He’s had to pull himself up from the ground and force himself to push on because no one was going to do it for him. 

He feels more settled than he has in a long time. People at the 118 start to accept him and eventually, somehow, he finds a home there, which was something he had never truly felt as though he had. Sure, the Lees had taken him in but, through no fault of their own, he’d always felt as though he was imposing on them and then… he’d been responsible for their actual son being stolen from them far too soon whilst he was still there. The person they had taken in as a teenager and had tried to take his own life twice in the years that followed was still breathing whilst their son, their Kevin, who loved life and found joy in every single moment of living for the day, was gone. Nothing about that seemed fair or right and at times, he found himself wondering if he even deserved the happiness. 

The times he spends alone in his apartment are the hardest but time moves so fast and life doesn’t wait for anyone. And eventually, he isn’t alone as much anymore. The 118 become a true family, Hen - his best friend - eases the loneliness he had felt since Kevin’s death and somehow, though he doesn’t know how or when, he starts to feel  _ okay.  _ As though he’s stopped just… floating through life and hoping for the best. He’s an amazing paramedic, he’s surrounded by a group of people who he’s pretty sure enjoy being around him and he has a girlfriend who lives with him and, maybe it had taken nearly two decades of pain to lead to the closest thing to happiness he’s felt in a long time. 

. 

Maddie tries to run, she tries to leave him five times before she’s sitting in the midst of broken ornaments and a fallen Christmas tree, scrambling around for the card her brother had sent her, and she knows that even if he kills her, she has to leave. She’s  _ tired _ , so… so very tired and she knows she needs to gather what little fight she has left within her, even if it’s only to say goodbye to Evan. She remembers how he had been the only person there for her after she had been diagnosed with an eating disorder and the thought of him thinking that she had just… cut him off because it was what she wanted and not because it was something she had to do to protect him, breaks her. 

She had loved Doug so much, he had been her world for sixteen years and it’s hard to even imagine a life without him or a life after him. She knows that she has little choice in the matter if she wants to give herself the best chance of living. Life wasn’t meant to be this miserable, right? Life wasn’t meant to be this hard. Sometimes, it just felt as though she had been wading through life, trying so hard to cling to happier times that were now corrupted with the memories of what came after. She found herself questioning every smile, every gentle touch, every time Doug had told her that she was the love of his life. Even though he was the only person she had ever been in love with, she knows this isn’t what love is meant to be. 

She has to leave. She’s so exhausted. It had always been… bad, being on the other end of a volatile temper was never going to be good but it was getting worse, more often, more painful. The first thirteen years of their relationship, she had only ever had to call out of work three times because of him. In the last three, she had lost count, entirely certain that she was starting to spend more time out of work than she was in the safe haven that had once been the hospital. She knows that everyone knows, she sees it in their eyes and whilst Doug had started off secretive, now… safe in the knowledge that she’s not going anywhere, or so he believes, he doesn’t seem to care as much. When she flinches when he ‘pops by’ the ER to check on her, he smirks as though he’s enjoying it. She only dreads to think what the other nurses say about her behind her back, the fear that one day, he’s going to hurt her enough that he has no choice but to take her to the hospital, and she’ll have to see first-hand the judgement in their eyes. 

No, she has to leave. She  _ has _ to get out. 

. 

Maybe the universe just hates him because it sure as hell feels that way. He’d stared death in the face for the third time and this time, it wasn’t intended but it  _ was _ his fault. He can see that in the worry on Mrs Lee’s face, as though she doesn’t believe that he’d swerved to avoid something in the road. She never says it out loud and he finds himself trying to justify himself, to the point where he’s not even sure he believes himself anymore. 

Tatiana had rejected his proposal, the people he loved the most hadn’t offered an ounce of support in the matter and he had been driving and he had been angry and maybe… Chimney can feel his own thoughts spiralling out of control and even though Mrs Lee smiles and she promises him that she believes him, he gulps down the lump in his throat as he stops himself from saying that he’s not sure he believes anymore. It was an accident, he’s sure it was an accident but… was it?

It becomes harder to believe when the darkness seems to take over once more. Tatiana is gone and he’s single and alone once more and it’s just easier to pretend to everyone else, including the doctors, that he doesn’t remember. It’s easier to keep up that pretense, better to avoid the conversations with every single person who wants to talk about it and he moves on. 

Or he doesn’t move on. He sort of… stands still. His life isn’t any worse than it had been - he still has his love for his job and he still has his friends and eventually, the fact that his proposal had been rejected feels easier. She was never the one for him, he just liked the thought of not falling asleep alone every single night. He doesn’t know if he actually knows what being in love truly feels like or if he ever will. 

. 

It takes six months for the plan to fall into place - Doug goes away to a conference and she finds herself running for her life, literally. She runs to her brother and for the first time in so, so long, it’s the closest to freedom she has ever felt. Evan - or Buck, as he prefers to be called now - opens his arms and his heart to her as though no time had ever passed at all and she doesn’t know if she can ever tell him how grateful she is. Maddie had a plan - she would drive to LA, she would see her brother and she would actually say goodbye this time around. It didn’t work out that way, it was too easy to get lost in the hope that she could have a fresh start and she wouldn’t have to be alone to do it. 

The fear never goes away, looking over her shoulder doesn’t stop but she finds a family and a new job and new friends and… she finds the panic slowly settling, the nightmares start to ease a little, she starts thinking about a future for the first time in a long time. And then there’s Chimney - the kindest, most patient man she has ever met who has been through hell and back, too, although he’ll barely admit to it out loud. She can see it in his eyes, she can feel it in the way he holds her sometimes, as though he needs her just as much as she needs him and their friendship and whatever more they could have one day, when she’s ready, means the world to her. 

In such a short space of time, he means the world to her. 

Six months of healing is how long Doug gives her, although she learns that he’s been there a lot longer, watching her and that shudder she would get running through her body sometimes, as though she was being watched, was completely right. The future she had imagined is gone and she wants to slap herself because she had become too complacent, she had gotten too caught up in the fact that she hadn’t been found yet and that she was  _ happy.  _ And happiness, genuine happiness, had been so hard to cling onto for so much of her life, she had wanted to cling onto it with both hands. 

She remembers how Chimney had told her that he’d almost died three times, although he wouldn’t elaborate on the first two times, she had seen the look in his eyes and heard the tremble in his voice before he’d shrugged his shoulders and changed the subject. She can’t help but feel as though she may as well have been the one holding the knife that killed him, remembering how much blood there had been, how they would never get a second chance of a whole new life with each other.

Maddie finds herself asking Doug to kill her, having put off the inevitable for so long. It’s the least she deserves for the years of pain she had caused her brother and then stealing the light that was Chimney. He had deserved better, and every single person who would have to go through life without him now… it hurts. She just wants to stop hurting. 

. 

The universe hates him, there’s definitely no longer any other explanation for it. He’d started to heal, he’d been going to therapy, he had been open and honest with Bobby, he had met Maddie and… he had felt things for her that he had never even known were possible. Life was short and it was fleeting and he knew that better than anyone, yet he’d still have waited a lifetime for her. He was able to be himself around her, he had exposed himself in ways that made him feel vulnerable and she had opened up her own heart to him, too. It was the first time in so long that he had seen a hope for the future, beyond going to work and watching as his friends fell in love and had kids and moved on with their lives. 

He was getting tired of being stuck in the same loop every single day.

When Maddie had asked him out on a date, it had sent his head spinning and his heart thumping and he couldn’t remember a time he had ever been happier. And then, god… whatever was happening to her, whatever he had done to her, it was his fault. He had ruined his own life, once again, and this time, he had dragged Maddie down with him. He’d been so desperate for friends outside of the 118 that he’d made a mistake, the biggest mistake he had ever made and once again, for the second time in his life, he was responsible for the deaths of two people he cared about so much and he was left behind to face the people who hurt the most. 

The pain in his side and the ache in his chest is the least he deserves, awaiting the news that the brightest light in his life is gone and for the fourth time, he’s going to have to carry on. He’s going to have to pick himself up from the ground and force himself to carry on when he wanted to do anything other than that.

The sickness he feels in the pit of his stomach and the way his body shakes doesn’t ease until Hen is running into his room after twenty-four hours, with a smile on her face, promising him that Maddie is alive and she’s going to be okay. And somehow, despite everything that has happened, just knowing that he doesn’t have to live in a world without Maddie and he’s not responsible for her death… eases a little bit of the tension and he sleeps for the first time since his eyes had opened to the bright lights of a hospital room, once more. 

. 

She has no reason to fight, even though she had thought about how much easier it would be to just give in, to just let him kill her the way he wanted to. She has no reason to fight for her life but she finds herself doing so anyway. Maddie thinks of all the years he had stolen from her, about how she doesn’t want Chimney’s death to have been for nothing… although, her living may never alleviate that. Chimney being stolen from the world was pointless and cruel and he had deserved so much better, that’s all she can think about as she’s stumbling through the snow. 

Chimney is dead. The wonderful stranger at the gas station is dead and now… Doug is gone, too and she’s still alive. Although, the spinning of her head and the rate of which she’s losing blood, if no one finds her, maybe it would have all been for nothing anyway. The world is cruel, she’d learnt that far too young but she had always hoped for something better, even when it seemed most impossible. 

It’s a fleeting sense of hope she feels when she falls into her brother’s arms and she feels his tears against her skin as she holds onto him tightly. The adrenaline goes, the fight leaving her body, until she hears Buck mention Chimney’s name in the present tense and she braces herself for the miracle, for the realisation that the universe isn’t as cruel as she had once believed it to be. 

There’s hope. 

“Chimney’s alive?”


	5. Chapter 5

Safe. 

That’s what Maddie feels for the first time in so long. Safe in Chimney’s arms, safe within herself, safe within the knowledge that the storm has passed and if another one hits, there’s someone by her side to see her through. Sometimes it feels as though she had just been born into a darkness that she could never control. It had taken thirty-six years to feel any differently. 

Her hand falls to her growing bump as she smiles, promising her daughter that she will do everything in her power to be better than her own parents were. She vows to show her that love goes beyond anything material, to hug her every single day and make sure that not only does she _know_ how loved and how wanted she is but that she feels it, too. That’s the one thing Maddie can remember about her own childhood; she had never felt wanted. 

There was a time when she never could have imagined the life she has now. A time when she had truly believed that her only salvation would be whatever came, if anything, after her death. But now, Maddie can’t stop the smile on her face when she feels the sharp kicks of the little human she’s growing, whispering a thousand promises out loud to her that she’ll protect her, she’ll hold her close, she’ll remember every single birthday, she’ll go to every parent-teacher conference, every show, every event… _anything._ Because there’s nothing in the world she’s ever wanted to be more than a good mother, so unlike the one she had. 

It’s still terrifying, she still finds herself up late at night, thinking about all the ways her own parents messed up, everything she wishes they had done and said instead of what they actually had. It consumes her all too often until she’s looking into the kind eyes of Chimney and reminding herself that she’s not alone and she’ll never be alone again. 

. 

Joy. 

That’s what Chimney feels when he looks at Maddie. Complete, and utter joy and _love._ So much love that it feels as though his heart is going to burst. Life hadn’t been easy but he knows he would take every disappointment, every tear, every ounce of pain that he had once felt if it was the only way leading up to this. To loving Maddie and to watching her grow their perfect little human, to knowing that in a few months, he’d be holding their daughter and showing her every ounce of the love his own mother had once shown him and doubling it to make up for everything his father had stolen from him. 

He can remember the day he had watched his father walk out of their lives and how relieved he had been, how much it had felt like freedom. And he promises his daughter and Maddie… who he knows will one day be his wife, when she’s ready, will never feel that way about him. He’ll do everything in his power to make sure his staying feels like freedom to them and not his leaving. He’ll never leave and their little girl could never let him down. He can remember all of those ‘Han expectations’ he had never been able to live up to in the eyes of his own father and how he had blamed himself when he’d left and eventually, started a new family. He promises their daughter will never worry that she’s not enough for him. 

He spends every night with his chest pressed into Maddie’s back and his hands on her bump, enjoying the feeling of the gentle movements of the little girl they’ll meet soon. And as Maddie sleeps, Chimney finds himself making a thousand promises to his two girls, that neither of them will ever feel an ounce of pain that he has any control of. And the pieces of darkness that will, inevitably, make their way through, he’ll be there to kiss away their tears and hold them until everything is okay again. 

He promises his mother, he promises Maddie and he promises their daughter that he will grasp onto this opportunity for a whole new life that he has managed to build for himself. And he promises Kevin that he’ll finally live _for_ everything and everyone he had lost instead of letting the darkness drag him down. He could have died… four times but he hadn’t. He had lived and this was the reason why. 

. 

Maddie and Chimney look at each other, tears in their eyes and matching smiles on their faces before his lips press against her forehead, their eyes lovingly meeting before they look down at the sleeping baby she holds in her arms. There’s silence for a few moments, the two of them basking in the glory and the immense amount of love they feel for this tiny human they’ve created together… a product of their love after everything they had been through, both together and alone. 

Chimney wonders if his dad had ever felt this way about him, if his heart had ever felt so full when he was looking at him for the first time. Whilst Maddie grins down at their little girl, with her flock of black hair and her rosy red cheeks, knowing that if she could, she would give her the entire world. Gently, she rests her head against Chimney’s shoulder from where he sits in the hospital bed next to her, both of them besotted and lost in everything that had been their daughter from the moment she had made her way into the world just two hours before. She was perfect and they both know that, even though they’ll make mistakes, it won’t matter because she’ll never doubt for a second that they love her. 

He isn’t sure his father had ever felt anything but regret for him and she isn’t entirely certain why her parents ever had children in the first place, considering they never seemed to like either her or Buck very much. But this little girl, whilst unexpected and unplanned, is so beyond wanted and so beyond loved and not just by the two new parents in the room right then. Maddie feels as though her heart could burst through her chest when she’s looking at her, a tear slipping down her cheek, remembering her own childhood and then her life with Doug. How once upon a time, having a child would have felt like the most terrifying, regrettable experience of her life. She has nothing to worry about with Chimney, he’s going to be an _amazing_ father, despite his own childhood.

It hadn’t been easy but she knows he feels the exact same way she does - if the paths they had been forced to take, if every storm, every bruise, every cut, every… near death experience, every pain and tear shed… if all of that was the _only_ way that could have possibly led to this moment of divine happiness for both of them… they’d do it again. Maddie wouldn’t wish anything either of them had gone through to get to where they were right then on anyone, including themselves but… they had survived. They had _thrived_ despite it all. They had created this beautiful life with each other and for each other and for the first time in both of their lives, they were surrounded by more love than they could have ever thought possible. 

Maddie pulls back, only to look up and into his eyes, grinning at the tears of joy that have made track down his cheeks, too, her lips gently pressing to his before the door to her hospital room opens and they’re met with the sound of congratulations and the sight of smiling faces and balloons and more gifts than a two hour old could ever appreciate. 

Maddie’s eyes meet Buck’s, just as Chimney’s meets Hen’s, the four of them smiling at each other before attention is pulled back down to the waking baby, her brown eyes opening and staring into the faces of all the adults looking down at her. 

Hana Joy Han - named after the amazing mother that had raised Chimney whilst also meaning ‘my favourite’ in Korean which was exactly what she was to both of them. Joy… because it was what they brought each other, what she gave to them and their promise to her that it’s what they’ll give back to her. She’s perfect and loved and Maddie and Chimney look down at her, making silent promises of their own that she wouldn’t know half of the pain they had growing up. 

_Hell was the journey, but it brought me heaven._


End file.
